I thought it would be festive to start this article on quacks with some duck jokes!
What do you call a duck on drugs?
A quack-head!
Where did the duck go when he was sick?
To the duck-tor!
Quack, quack ‘nursing’ homes
Some of the private hospitals around Ikorodu round-about, the major commercial centre of the town, are owned and run by quacks. Most of these hospitals are registered by government as nursing or convalescent homes, but they operate as full hospitals and their owners, mostly males, present themselves to the public as doctors! These places have been in existence and under the noses of several regulatory bodies for years.
Similar hospitals are probably in your neighbourhood! Who is your family doctor? Which hospital is looking after your husband/wife? Who do you entrust your child’s health to?
Quack, quack ‘fertility’ centres
One hotbed of quackery is assisted reproduction or fertility centres. Many horrible places subject women to indignities, sexual molestation and financial penury as they claim to help women have children. They claim to detoxify, store sperms and perform artificial insemination. Some so- called doctors have even used their own sperms to attempt to impregnate unsuspecting members of the public!
Quack, quack ‘doctors’
Male nurses doubling as ‘doctors’ and other quacks are little recognised menace in Nigeria. Many of these people have been trained by doctors or that had worked with doctors such that they feel they know as much as the doctor. My esteemed friends, our observations over the years clearly indicate that the main causes of medical quackery are private medical practitioners.
The nuisance of quackery in medicine is an injury that is self-inflicted by doctors. Our colleagues use male nurses as surgery assistant and anaesthetists. Some doctors actually allow quacks in their employ to perform surgeries unsupervised. Thereafter, these persons gain acceptance and recognition as doctors in such hospitals.
Private medical doctors also train auxiliary nurses who are sometimes even donned in academic gear in lousy carnival-ridden graduation ceremonies. Again, when it is time for quacks to register their clinics and hospitals, “we” are always ever eager to render them assistance, allowing them to use our certificates for peanuts in financial returns. Who can then say they are not doctors as they open practices next door?
Who is protecting Nigerians from bad doctors?
I once asked, ‘Who is protecting Nigerians?’ There was only resounding silence. Not one agency or organisation stood up to reply and discuss how they are protecting Nigerians from charlatans and fake doctors. Not the Medical and Dental Council of Nigeria. Not the Nigerian Medical Association or its member organisations.
There are doctors out there who are so poorly trained they are also a menace to the society. Poorly trained doctors are just as bad — if not worse than quacks. Some have little time to do proper assessments and diagnose malaria/typhoid at every opportunity. Some doctors allow the love of money, kickbacks from diagnostic centres and Indian doctors to cloud their judgment.
So, you need to protect yourself by learning to recognise bad hospitals and running away from them.
Also, please report bad treatments to the same organisations mentioned above. Then report doctors and nurses with criminal activities and those who assault your body to the police. Learn to sue doctors who hurt, maim and kill in these hospitals. Let us stop the rot in the Nigerian health sector.
How to recognise bad hospitals
Ask for current registration certificate
Hospitals must be registered to practise; the certificate must be current and displayed openly. You should look for it and ask if not seen. The hospital may not be registered or practising quackery. In which case, you decide.
Ask for the doctors’ current certificate
Doctors must be registered with the Medical and Dental Council of Nigeria. You should ask to see the certificate. The doctor should not get angry when asked if he/she is registered as a medical practitioner. There may be a problem as well if the doctor does not answer your direct questions. If you feel uncomfortable, trust your instincts. Also, run if the doctor is unprofessional in his/her dressing, speech and behaviour. Does he ‘diagnose’ malaria and typhoid before you even open your mouth? Does he waffle with incoherent medical jargon?
For doctors
Doctors should desist from training auxiliary nurses. They may come cheap by way of meagre salaries but are ultimately more expensive, as they cause more disability and deaths to patients. Also, please do not cheapen your hard-earned certificate by registering hospitals for people not medically trained. It hurts us all in the long run.
Finally, for all Nigerians
It is your inalienable right to be treated by professionals skilled in their jobs. After all, most times, you pay for the service. Why do you not ask questions and demand for evidence from your doctors? Why do you reject real doctors and allow yourself to be treated by fake people, whether ‘Made in China or Onitsha?’
This is worthy of debate. So, please write in and let us know the situation in your area.
NB: Dr. Tosin Akindele, who contributed to this piece, is a private medical practitioner and an advocate of better health care practice in Nigeria.
Copyright PUNCH.
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