Should couples hide their finances from each other? (3) BY USIERE UKO

Author of ‘Practical Steps to Financial Freedom and Independence’, USIERE UKO, writes about couples working together to fulfil their shared vision

A couple hiding their finances from each other is an indication of an underlying problem – a low level of trust. This permeates other aspects of the relationship.

At a deeper level is the lack of purpose or vision for the union. Most families have no defined purpose or mission statement. They have no idea what their coming together will achieve in the larger scheme of things. Man meets woman; they fall in love, get married and live happily ever after. Many go in without knowing their purpose and mission in life, what their life is all about and what success looks like. They operate on a pay-as-you-go basis.

I was in that shoe when I got married. At age 30, I was ready to settle down and when I met my wife, I knew she was the one. As an individual, I did not know where I was going; what my life was about; hence, I did not find out hers beyond finishing school, getting a job and climbing the ladder wherever it took one. Since the direction was not defined, we just assumed we were going in the same direction. We had to start aiming after the shot has been fired. Many marriages have unraveled when it dawns on the couple that they don’t share the same values and are heading in different directions.

We love to assume we know all there is to know when in truth we don’t. A couple married for more than five years without a child approached their pastor for prayers. The pastor asked why they wanted a child. The couple was stunned by the question. What type of question was that? Is it not logical that after the wedding come the naming ceremony? At the wedding reception, you are given the hint that the crowd should be reconvened in nine months’ time for part 2. The husband explained further, in case the pastor did not hear him well, that they are legally married and have been trying to have a child for more than years; they have prayed, fasted and undergone fertility treatments. The pastor asked again why they wanted a child. Gently, the pastor explained to the anxious couple that every child comes into this world for a purpose, and parents should settle the ‘why’ before bothering about the ‘how’. They should not look for a child simply for the sake of being numbered among those who have children.

The best man for the job

Success is a team sport and the best team wins, not the team with the best players. If the wife is a guru in financial management but the man insists he must manage the family’s finances, the couple have set themselves up for self-sabotage. When a couple has a shared vision and both partners buy into that vision, managing family finances no longer becomes a bone of contention. Like a closely knit team, the team leader should feel secure enough to field the best player in each position. Both partners bring a diverse set of skills to the union. It makes sense to utilise these skills to the fullest rather than sideline anyone for ego reasons.

This is when diversity becomes a source of strength. But in many unions, it has been turned into a weakness. When husband and wife take decisions and work together, it is tough to beat that team.

Artisans are good in playing the divide and rule game. If they know that the husband is weak in negotiating, they wait for the wife to be absent before they corner the husband to push through their inflated estimate. Children also do it too. They know who will likely say yes; so they wait for the right time to strike.

Lack of unity among couples can be very expensive. It is crucial that both partners buy into the family’s financial goals and investment objectives. If the husband is trying to save while the wife keeps spending on impulse, they work at cross purposes. That is why ideally, family finances should be centrally managed while individual partners have their own pocket money to spend as they wish.

Joint accounts

Having a joint account can be a sticky point. Ideally, husband and wives should have a joint account. Each can have their individual account to manage their personal allowances. Apart from the fact that this is a union in the true sense of the word, it avoids the heartache of trying to settle the estate when one partner dies without a will (intestate). The man may die rich but leaves the family poor because the wife is not a signatory to his accounts. Even when there is a will, the paperwork involved is very cumbersome and the process long-winded, especially if the will is contested. You don’t want to put your loved ones through that, if you really love them.

If you run joint accounts, if anything happens to you, your spouse will not have to swear affidavits up and down to be able to have access to the bank accounts, share certificates, land documents, etc. That stress is totally unnecessary, especially when predatory in-laws come into the picture. If some men can see what their loved ones are going through after their demise, they will think and act differently while still alive.

Of course, there are trust issues around having a joint bank account. For example, you can march majestically to an ATM, 100 per cent sure there is more than enough money, only to be embarrassed.

Having a joint account requires some level of trust and responsibility from each party. When that is lacking, both partners have to put all cards on the table and agree on the way forward. Whatever option they come up with, there should be a mutual agreement to proceed with that option.

No easy answers

There is no easy answer to how couples should move from where they are to where they ought to be in terms of how they handle their finances.

Each marriage is unique and each individual comes into the union with their own baggage from the past. They already have their worldview based on upbringing and past experiences.

Wherever you are today, blaming the past will not move you towards your desired future. Call a conference and fashion out your desired future and what you need to do to get there. If your partner is not ready, wait until he or she is. Stop building without a blueprint.

If you know where you want to go, you will find a way to get there. One fact is not debatable – everything rises and falls with leadership. When the man steps up to the plate, the wife follows gladly. If you want your family to move to the next level financially, get ready for a paradigm shift. It can no longer be business as usual.

Copyright PUNCH.