Henry Okelue: My dear governor, are you videoing, mbok?

Let’s just say this event… never happened in reality. Let’s assume I made it up, in my usual hydrocarbon fuelled craze.

There was a gathering of looters and semi-pious gangsters.

So it happened that they had to vote for the next ring leader, and the incumbent head-man, who probably also has a Mexican name, was interested in leading again.


On the other side, the side that had the backing of the Cap’n-in-chief, was a confused jaguda whose name rhymes with Jangirova.

He-whose-name-rhymes-with-jangirova is known to be presently presiding over a non-ending gang war in the part of town he lords over.

So the gang gathered to cast lots on who rules next. A gang member, well known for his Kangol hat (he had it on that day too), and who is a kinsman of a former gang member who is currently doing time in a foreign land, was called forward. He would watch over the cast lots. He accepted the noble role with aplomb. Very gracious of him and cute of him (someone must have even pinched his cheeks). The gang applauded.

So casting of lots started in earnest. They smiled, waved, and smiled, as they cast lots for their preferred head huncho.

Then came the time for counting. Every man was cock-sure it was his man carrying the day, but some members of he-likely-with-a-Mexican-name’s group had a vision in a very hot moment.

Somebody, very likely God, showed unto them a gang member who didn’t win being congratulated by the Cap’n-in-chief in the papers.

They were troubled. So one of them from the West (he couldn’t be identified because no one was sure if he had a tribal mark or not) whipped out his video recorder and started filming.

A gang member, who swore he had God’s will on his side, saw the filming and came forward angrily.

“Grrrrr” he said to the one from the West “Are you barking?” asked the one from the West “Are you videoing Mbok?”

“Did I video you” said broda oni-pélè (we said neither we nor them were sure) “Stop videoing or I bite you” insisted the one who had God’s will on his side

So the Westerner pretended to hide his video recorder, for fear of catching rabies or something.

While all this was going on, a gang member (whose identity remains hazzy at the time of writing this) was practising the new pig language he had just learned. He was on his way to becoming a true polyglot, well versed in both human and animal speak.

The counting, fully recorded by the one from the West, ended, and the one-likely-with-a-Mexican-name won, by 3 votes. They all bumped fists, ate caviar, and retired to their homes.

Then magic began.

The one whose name rhymes with Jangirova declared he was the one that won, on TV.

He was flanked by the one with the doubtable will of God. They claimed they had a list from the other gang members promising to vote for him-of-the-Jangirova. They concluded that they were sure the other gang members were drugged with alomo and thumb printed the wrong logo.


They claimed  the lots were rigged by their fellow riggers.

They claimed all sorts.

They went further and asked he-likely-having-a-Mexican name to abdicate the throne and go into exile.

Then him of the West released his video to the desert dwellers of the Sahara.

All hell was let loose!

Neither Jangirova nor Will-of-God have been heard from since then. Probably in a state of shock as to how the gangster from the West managed to video them, even after all the barking and threats of biting.

We shall keep you posted.


Ynaija