Between Jonathan’s Sleeping Delegates, Lord Fayose and SSS’ Cock and Bull Story, By Bámidélé Adémólá-Olátéjú

Sunday’s attack is a bollix, and a major embarrassment for Nigeria. May we find safety from the evil of ourselves!
Nigeria has a way of tugging at you. In this space this week, at issue is about the ugly joke Nigeria has become. I am in Chicago this week and here, a lot of things are considered un-American and everyone agrees. Unfortunately, there is nothing un-Nigerian anymore including evil in its various shades. Going by what is going on in Abuja, Jonathan and his inner circle are just flat-out evil. It takes an evil mind to aid and abet evil. What we have going now is a country where shadowy figures, corrupt business men, invertebrate politicians, drug barons, sponsors of terrorism, economic saboteurs pour unlimited money into our democracy to rig the system to benefit themselves by sabotaging whatever is left of the Nigerian nation state. Here is a partial look at the news highlight in the last seven days.
Ayo Fayose Becomes PDP Candidate
This man is the best the Peoples Democratic Party (PDP) can come up with in Ekiti State as its governorship candidate. He is standing trial for allegedly misappropriating state funds up to N416 million between 2003 and 2006 when he was in charge. He was the one who showcased his states investment in poultry with over a hundred thousand chickens without a single poop in their pens. Ayo Fayose’s genius produced no poop chickens! Being the best in Ekiti State for the PDP, he requested the court to delay his trial to enable him concentrate his energy on his gubernatorial ambition for the good of his state. Isn’t that a good thing for us! I think we deserve it. Some families actually bred these criminals. We celebrate them, swoon over them because we are a people drawn to swagger and aggression. That is why our politicians have a way of coming up with some sick crap. If you are still in doubt about how good we are, Buruji Kashamu, the escape artist and drug baron will lead Fayose’s campaign to ensure victory. He will be spending N1billion to elect Fayose and is just one man. There are a lot of shadowy characters around this president with lots of stolen money or money made from gun running, bunkering, oil theft ad nauseam who are determined to spend it in some of the most disgusting, cynical ways you can dream up to achieve their political dream of installing traitors like them in power. Wetin eye never see?
The National Sleeping Conference
What is all this furore about sleeping delegates? I urge everyone to take a chill and relax. Majority of delegates are old people and most of them got Nigeria into the mess we are in. This conference itself is sleepy. It has been programmed to fail. It is a carefully designed trap crafted to buy time, bribe certain segments of the population and a payout to those who have not “eaten” at the table of late. Sleeping at this conference is a good thing people! After a generous serving of sumptuous meal and indecent coffee and tea breaks, a power nap is the best unless accompanied by seismic level snoring. Even that might not be a bad thing in itself, it can provide a rhythmic melody to an otherwise poisoned atmosphere of ethnic and religious bigotry. I don’t want anymore deaths at the conference, please. Let my people sleep! I recommend the delegates be provided a nap room with recliners. Our representatives deserve to stretch out and sleep after gorging on food and all that money. I will prefer a chaise lounge, complete with adjustable opaque blinds that can block the light. This rejuvenation centre should be world class and people should just quit associating napping with laziness. Power naps with or without snoring produces happier and more productive delegates. The nap will readily allow them to approach the second half of the day (after lunch) with a lot more force. I think this napping breaks should replace one of the numerous tea/coffee breaks where full meals are disguised as snacks. My argument has basis, naysayers should know that a power nap can’t replace all of that lost sleep, but it certainly doesn’t hurt. Don’t we all get sleepy in the mid-afternoon when it looks like our body clocks are winding down a little bit? Sleep makes us more productive, creative, less stressed and much healthier and happier. Be an advocate for a sleeping delegate today… Jonathan needs sleepy delegates!
Her Toyal Deepness, Diezani and Her Jets
Why are you concerned with her jets? Why? She is our de facto president and she deserve royal treatment. If you are unhappy about her, contest and win the next presidential election. Don’t tell me she did not win any election; things are not often as it seems. Go and think! I used to think Alhaji Rilwanu Lukman was too powerful. How I long for those decent days when he was at the helm. I don’t really give a damn about her, she’s a demigod, she’s untouchable! I’m better off writing about what can change. I advise you not to bellyache about her please. It is her time, let her enjoy it. Dr. Doyin Okupe, Senior Special Assistant to the President on Public Affairs has warned us malcontents that the “refusal of the Federal Government to probe Minister of Petroleum Resources, Mrs. Diezani Alison-Madueke, does not indicate that President Goodluck Jonathan will cover up any case of embezzlement or mismanagement of public funds exposed in his administration.” He will not cover it up because there is nothing new, there is nothing to cover. Why should anyone cover what he is proud of and approves? Oh! I hear she’s pushing for renewal of subsidy after she is busy taking her subsidy on us every second of her life. That will be the day! One day monkey go go market and e no go return.
Helicopter Gunships, “Jailbreaks” and Cover Ups
The story is that one Boko Haram suspect attempted to disarm a secret service operative by hitting him at the back of his head with his handcuff. In a statement credited to Marilyn Ogar, the Secret Services spokesperson confirmed that the gun battle began after a detainee disarmed an operative and tried to effect a jailbreak. The melee drew the attention of other guards at the facility who fired some shots to warn and deter others. The threat caused the Army to deploy helicopter gunships proximal to Aso Rock. When all was done, 21 detainees were killed along with unspecified SSS operatives. Does this sound right? This story is not only untrue, it is misleading with copious dose of cover up. Here is why:
Where on earth are prisoners fed at 7am? Where?
The DSS facility to any onlooker from outside is a fortress; it looks impenetrable.
There is no way a man in handcuff could launch an attack vicious enough to disarm an operative. With two hands encumbered, how can a detainee draw a guard’s pistol and disarm him? Unless there is a violation of standard safety procedure, it cannot happen.
There is no way a lone gun from a disarmed operative can be used in a protracted battle with soldiers equipped with helicopter gunships, ordinance for almost three hours. We must also remember there are armed SSS operatives on the inside.
If the story is to be believed, why did it take truckloads of soldiers, Armoured Personnel Carriers, and other sophisticated weapons to stem the jailbreak?
Why did helicopter gunships hover around the Aso villa for 3 hours?
This is classic cock and bull story. It is incomplete, it is laced with lies with a serious attempt at cover up.
The scale of looting under the watch of this president has blinded key actors in the administration to their own survival. This attack has left the distinct impression that Mr. Jonathan lacks anything resembling a strategy for dealing with mounting insecurity and Nigeria’s sovereignty. Sunday’s attack is a bollix, and a major embarrassment for Nigeria. May we find safety from the evil of ourselves!
Twitter: @olufunmilayo
Email: olufunmilayo @ gmail.com